The blue dong squad

My four word review of Watchmen: da-doing doing doing!

Let’s review:


Decent.  Dong covered up in the back row. (Image from Wikipedia.)


Indecent.  Dong-a-showin’.  Look at those people fleeing in terror of the blue dong!  Although, in fairness, there was a lot more dong to fear in the movie.  What a show-er!  I’d prefer a grower.  It’s like a pleasant surprise.  A little gift that keeps on giving.  But I digress.

That blue dong was everywhere in the movie. I’m not even sure what anyone else looked like. Was there a plot? I think the dong was trying to take over the world. Or maybe save it. I’m not sure.


Then there was that super graphic sex scene between two non-blue people. I was embarrassed for the child I saw walk into the theater. What rating was that movie, anyway? Surely R, I told my buddy. Dude, he said, there were four dongs in one shot alone. Dr. Manhattan could have made DVDA happen by himself. I’m sure that’s totally G.

G-spot, maybe.

Oh man, it was another inappropriate-laughter movie for me. You know how what’s-her-name and the non-blue version of Dr. M had sex and then next thing you know he turns blue (lulz)? She somehow recognizes him: naked, recombobulated, and effing blue.  Listen.  Until recently I’d been with the same guy for 15 years.  If he were to be locked into an atomic chamber, sploded, assumed dead, then show up later with all of the rest of his hair gone and his body totally blue (not to mention ripped with what looked like a whole suitcase), there’s only one thing that would allow me to recognize him, as long as it’s not too cold.  Ladypants totally recognizes Jon (Doctor Manhattan)—or at least his incredibly showy dong, and lemme tell ya, that must’ve been some reunion.

Dude, keep that thing covered up (mostly.  A little.  Ok, keep it right where it is)!  Seriously… four in one scene alone?  Wow.  That was actually almost an uncomfortable amount of dong on display.  I felt like I was watching 300.  Now there’s a sausage fest film that you think my guy friends would want to watch again, but no.  Strangely they pass.  Weird.

I just can’t help but wonder: did the CGI artists ever just say “Fuckit! I’m done drawing this dong!  Walking? Bouncing?  Screw that! This is going to be a stationary cock or none at all.”  Fired.  How do you find a guy with experience animating a cock while walking?  Animating-drawing, not the other kind of animation.  I guess showing it as erect (which would have been super appropriate during, oh say, the sex scene) was completely out of the question.  On strike!

Oh man, did anyone else keep thinking, when there would be an impossibly large calf of Dr. M’s in the shot, “Damn, that cock must be huge right now!”

K, yeah. Neither did I.

edit: I can’t believe I forgot this:  did anyone else notice the dong button in the owl-mobile???  It was right next to the fire ejaculate button.


3 thoughts on “The blue dong squad

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